just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
