Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize