the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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