my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
