I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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