How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
