i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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