I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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