What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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