there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
