Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
