so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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