I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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