Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
