I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
