Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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