don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
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