so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Randomize
