You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Randomize