i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
