Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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