She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
