Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
zippers are such a cool invention
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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