ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
