don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize