I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
