dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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