im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
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