Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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