I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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