I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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