Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
The uberlube is also flammable
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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