Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
