My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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