Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
