I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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