when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
