I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
