my phone needs a breathalizer
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
