Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
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