I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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