apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
