Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
