I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
