Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize