I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Randomize
