Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
