He uses pillows to masturbate.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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