I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
