I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
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