I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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