Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize