A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
