Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
