My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Randomize
