he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
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