based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
