this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
If I die, sorry about rent.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
