we made out on top of his cat.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize