just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
